A Melodramatic Mea Culpa

First the positive stuff. Overall I enjoyed the season immensely. We really had a great group of guys, and it was a ton of fun playing and hanging out with everybody. A season like this is what makes me want to come back to this sport every year. We had stretches where we played really well too. CHC was about as much as I'll ever ask from a tournament, and even though the results weren't always there I always enjoyed hanging out with the team. It was great working with Tim and Jacob as captains too. They really cared a lot about the team and were willing to do whatever they could to make us better. I wish I had their work ethic. It was very exciting playing with the younger guys too. There were kids on the team that are going to be great ultimate players very soon, and I genuinely hope that we helped make them better this year, I only regret occasions where our goals as a team didn't favor their growth as players. Hopefully they all know how much we value their contributions. And the truth is I value immensely the contribution of everybody who played this season, I hope to see all you guys out next year.
Still the season ends bitterly. For the second time in six years I won't be at regionals, and this marks three years in a row I haven't qualified. I didn't care when I was with HogButcher, but the last two years the guys on our team really deserved to go. If regionals weren't in Tulsa I'm sure we would be there again filling in for whatever team bailed out, but it wouldn't change the fact that we couldn't make it there on our own. The last two years were easier to take not because I wasn't upset about not qualifying, but because there was no special guilt that accompanied it. This year as a captain, I can't help feel like I let the team down. There was too much talent and drive on our team not to have put forth a better showing, and I wish I could have been able to turn that into a better result. Additionally, I never felt like I contributed enough on the field this year. I can't remember a season when I've been less satisfied with my individual contribution to the team. And it's not just because I sat out most of Sunday at regionals with a shoulder injury, or that I almost choked to death during the game-to-to. (That's not a metaphor, I actually collapsed violently choking on a clump of grass during a point, it'll be funny in hindsight I'm sure.) It just wasn't there this year. I could have conditioned more, I could have thrown more, I damn sure could have put more time in as a captain. Still I think the biggest problem was I didn't want it enough. Sounds cliche sure, but when crunch time came I doubted whether the disc belonged in my hands. You can't have those thoughts in your head as a player, and you definitely can't as a leader. Plenty of stuff to think about in the off season I guess. Plenty of time to take a good hard look at why I play this game and what I want to get out of it. Hopefully the guilt I feel about letting my team mates down will get my ass out the door in the winter cold to stay in shape in the off season to better prepare for next year. We shall see.